Married And Cheating
When a spouse has a secret affair, they develop deviant, dishonest, sneaky skills. You would hardly believe you knew this person if you knew it all: the games that are played to avoid detection.
Don't argue the affair with your spouse. Your spouse has been deceiving you and is lying to you about the matter and you can't know what is and what isn't truthful among the things he tells you. There is very little point in you discussing anything of this matter with him. Why would you continue to negotiate or arbitrate on your own with a person who has already established a set of ground rules that has untruthfulness as a basis? Your mode is now action oriented and you need some outside assistance.
Don't accept "We are just friends." That you are unhappy with the facts of his behaviour is sufficient for you to take remedial action. The alleged platonic relationship is apparently not platonic. Trust your senses. It has become immaturely intimate.
You are not completely powerless. Your spouse, insofar as civil law is concerned, is liable to your action under the various matrimonial statutes where adultery is an issue of law.
Betrayal is the most important issue.
You need to ask yourself what you want to do about the fact that your spouse is carrying on outside the marriage. Ask yourself, on the evidence, is this just a fairly frivolous affair and not a deep emotional thing? Are you prepared to vacate the marriage? I would guess that you don't know what you want to do. Further, marriages usually survive affairs if there is no significant emotional betrayal. Otherwise they don't, quite honestly. I am sure you are not quite ready to accept that statement right now, because surely you are very angry. But make these thoughts the underlying root for hope and some positive solution-oriented action.
If you are concluding the above as I am then you need to find solutions that will return happiness and wellness to the matrimonial relationship; 'rehabilitate', your spouse who seems to be living in a false paradigm; and give him a new set of rules and understandings as well as proactive ingredients for making a marriage and a family work properly.
Have you ever wondered what makes married cheating spouses cheat in the first place?
They certainly didn’t get married with the intention of being unfaithful to their spouse, so why did they do it?
Many "infidelity experts" on the internet these days are offering solutions on how to find PROOF that will expose your spouse or catch them "in the act". But instead of putting 100% of your effort in finding solid proof, your energy would be better spent understanding what went wrong in your marriage.
It’s fairly common for "chronic" cheating spouses to give up on a relationship the moment things start to become a little difficult.
Rather than admitting and accepting that there’s a problem in their marriage, they look for someone else to fulfill their needs. These "needs" could be anything from a physical connection to strictly intellectual relations leading to an emotional affair.
Affairs take place because one spouse’s needs are no longer being met by their partner. Cheating spouses are then drawn to someone else who WILL (temporarily) meet those needs.
What increases the chance of an affair taking place is when a man marries a woman who idealizes love and spends her whole life going in and out of marriages in search of her "perfect soul mate".
Soul mates may exist in romance movies but in real life, it takes work to create a lasting relationship.
Like it or not, marriage is WORK…but it doesn’t have to be "hard" work.
If you want win your spouse over after an affair, you need to know how to meet his/her needs.
Every couple goes into marriage with expectations of each other that are NEVER CLEARLY DISCUSSED simply because they don’t REALLY understand, nor can they clearly explain what their own expectations are…let alone their spouses!
Cheating spouses cheat because they’re in search of unmet, yet unspoken deep emotional needs. It’s as simple as this….. If YOU aren’t meeting your spouse’s needs, they will find SOMEONE ELSE who WILL!