Married Affair

Can affairs help a married couple?

Mostly, no. People ask this question to justify what is happening in their lives. But in my experience an affair only helps a marriage in two situations:

1. where one person in the marriage hates sex and is relieved that the partner gets sexual satisfaction elsewhere. So, a blind eye is turned and as long as the affair doesn't get too emotional, the marriage - such as it is - is preserved
2. when a married person has a fling with someone but learns through that experience that he or she is still in love with the marital partner and is far better off at home. In this situation the marriage can be strengthened, but only so long as the innocent party has no idea that the affair took place. If the wandering partner feels the need to confess, he or she should confide in a priest, doctor or counsellor. Off-loading guilt on a spouse will not help anyone and may even precipitate the end of the marriage after all.

Will my lover leave home for me?

The short answer is that it's not at all likely. Indeed some experts believe that if a married lover fails to make plans to leave home within the first three months of an affair then he or she will never leave.

Whether or not this is 100 per cent true, it's certainly apparent that if an affair goes on for a long time - and sometimes they go on for 20 years or more - then the outcome is bleak. When women find themselves in long-term affairs of this kind with a married man, they often sacrifice their friends, their family and their chance of marriage and motherhood. When they're young they say they do this willingly, but they become very sad and often bitter in the end.

The harsh truth is that even if a married lover does eventually leave his wife, or even if that wife actually dies, the man will usually take up with someone new instead of marrying his long-term mistress.

Now that women have careers and reliable contraception they, too, start affairs when their marriages go stale. So nowadays there are plenty of single male lovers hanging on and hoping that their married lovers will leave home. But the chances of a happy future are no better for them than they are for women in a similar position.

So what can you do if you're having an affair with a married lover and you know the situation is hopeless, but you still haven't the strength to break away?

My best suggestion is that you ask yourself this question: 'Do I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it?'

Think about it before making your decision. The chances are that at this stage you will answer 'yes'.

However, something interesting will happen after you ask yourself this question. For the first time, maybe for years, you will have put yourself in control of the situation. You will be able to say that you have chosen to be in the relationship - for now. And that's very significant.