Cheating Cheaters

Cheating isn't right but when do you allow yourself to be happy?
I know cheating is definetely not a nice thing to do or to have done to you. I have had it done to me before with my current partner and here i am still two years after the fact wondering will and can that ever happen again. I tried for a long time to just move on and say i would never have to do that to feel better or that i would leave before i cheated on him.....

With time comes change and recently i have found myself not only wondering but thinking why not!!!!

I remember after he cheated on me i went to an old friend and cried at that time the man and i were not intimate but he told me to leave....

He told me to take my child and come with him...

He said that it didn't matter how sad i was or how hurt i felt over the situation that in-time my happiness would return and that everything he had to offer me and my 6 month old child at the time would override all of those horrible feelings that come with being cheated on...

But you know at the time i couldn't. This man had claimed to love from a distance for a long time but i never felt the same way. I declined his offer and returned to my life with the man who pratically destroyed me by cheating on me while experiencing post-partum...

Well here i am over two years later with the same man who cheated and all of sudden I realize that I'm not happy and i probably will never be. then the thoughts of well maybe if i go find my old friend and see if that is what is eating me, i think i need to find out if i hide feelings for this guy who i let go all this time just trying to make my family work..

For the past two weeks i spend most of my days day dreaming, thinking, and sometimes even tearing up because of my happiness it has drawn me to someone who is probably long gone from me and/or from here. But i can't help but to wonder if i had cheated myself would i have stayed. My feelings run so deep for this man who is long gone at least i think or could it be that i have never had happiness since the incident two years ago and I am looking for an excape goat. Over this past weekend i went to try and find my old friend but had no luck, i was able to leave a message with a family member advising that i am in search of him...

My current relationship definetely needs to end not just cause of the stuff i never got over but because it's unhealthy all together. I just can't help but to wonder what did i really give up two years ago by not leaving them. I wonder could my friend find it in his heart to even listen to anything i have to say... And Can/will i just leaaave if given the oppurtunity???